Today didn't start the greatest, but after a full day with my husband, and busying myself with moving preparations and job applications, I managed to distract myself most of the day.
I hate what grandpa and the rest of the family are going through. I hate knowing he is strapped down to the bed and pulling out his IV's. I hate knowing my family feels guilty that they weren't able to house me for a long period of time, and I hate that I can't hide how upset I am about not being able to go. I'm upset that I had unpleasant words with my mother when she's already very upset....
But I've finally come to the conclusion...cancer and terminal illness is what it is. It is long and destructive, and a valley of despair with no clue as to what the next day will bring. It robs the life from our loved ones, and gives us no promises or hints as to what to expect next.
Those who have been caught in it's web know the uncertainty, financial strains, despair, and hopelessness that you feel. What's worse? The possibility of being a widow 'one day' and watching a slow death, or being a widow now? I can't imagine what my grandmother is going through. And my aunts and uncle as they watch Papa retreat inside of a shell they don't recognize.
I pray for peace. I pray for the ability to comfort instead of cry, and I pray for a merciful end. I know I should still be praying for a miracle, but I'm sure there are countless prayers for such... I just pray for an end. An end to the pain of a man and his family. And peace to those left behind.
It is what it is. And it's earthly and ugly. I can't wait to be in heaven where there is no more suffering. How sad it must be for those that do not believe in life after this world with all of it's strife, disease, and sadness. This is our testing ground, our temporary "relay" and although God's creation is beautiful, the humans bodies in it are flawed, and that's why we all end up "back home". We weren't meant to be here forever. I love my family and I'm grateful to God for all of my blessings, but death doesn't scare me anymore for the reasons it used to. It is what it does to those left behind.
"This world is not my home, I'm just a passing thru. My treasures are laid up, somewhere beyond the blue... The angels beckon me and there's one thing I know, that I can't feel at home in this world anymore. " I know papa is in there somewhere. Stuck in an earthly hell and an earthly shell.
And whether or not I get to have my turn at his bedside, I pray for peace for him. And God's Will be done.
Amen
1 comment:
Wow--I had a lot to catch up on with you. I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this. I know you want to be there. It just flat out sucks--the cancer, the fact that your Nana is sick, your not being able to go--the whole situation. I am very sorry :-(
Call me if you need to talk.
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