Breathless at 29 weeks

Time cannot pass quickly enough at times. Maybe it's having asthma that is making this last trimester so difficult, but it truly is so hard to breathe. All I can compare it to, is a hot sauna. You step in, and feel your lungs contract...you try to take a deep breath but the air isn't satisfying, so you take another gulp. You tell yourself to calm down, and breathe deep. You count to ten, and focus on getting your heart rate to come down. Finally, it's tolerable, but not satisfying. You focus on breathing and sweating, and count down the minutes until you can step into the open cool air, then take the largest gulp of the refreshing air that you can. 


The problem is, I haven't been able to step out of the sauna for a few weeks now. I lean over to shave, and I feel myself smothering. The babies kick me in protest as try to stand again, and then have a moment of dizziness against the shower wall. I lean over to start a load of laundry, and feel my breath coming in raspy short bursts - I know I have to stop and calm down, or I'll begin to panic, so I force myself to sit down once or twice during a "loading session". As you can imagine, it's getting difficult to get household chores done in a timely fashion. Loading the dishwasher is another challenging feat. Before I'm done, I've sat once or twice, wiped sweat from my brow at least once, and sit down at the end to let my breathing come back to normal. I won't even go into vacuuming. I gulp air around my toothbrush, and in between bites. I dread eating now. Eating has become synonymous with lack of space for my diaphragm to expand. It's simple math actually; I have a certain amount of space left for lung expansion, and filling my intestines with food, actually undermine my ability to breathe. 


After supper, you can find me on the couch doing my best to relax, take shallow, rapid breaths, and trying not to panic. At times I have visions of cutting myself open, and getting the girls out myself or driving myself to the ER demanding an immediate Cesarean, and then I try to remember how little they would be, and how vulnerable without the shelter and security of my body nurturing them. I've had nightmares of being underwater drowning, and then wake up sweaty and in my own bed, realizing that the babies have floated up to lay on my lungs, which caused me to dream that I was "drowning".


I will probably start sleeping in the recliner soon. If I can make it through the first 5-10 minutes of panic that ensues when I get horizontal, lying down is a relief. However, laying down lets the girls spread out more, and get more comfortable up 'high'. While my pelvis, gets a break, my lungs and ribs take a beating. 


So.... there it is. My goal during the day, is to NOT get overly exerted - which means I pretty much have to lay around, since just putting on my pants is an adventure these days. I really don't want them to be born early. I want them to stay in, grow healthy and strong. However, I won't lie and say that this pregnancy has been such an AWESOME experience because it hasn't. I love my girls, but I'm ready for my body back - to be able to lean over to help empty my bladder in the morning, and not want to cry when I accidentally drop something important on the floor. To not feel dizzy just by getting out of the bed, or it taking an act of congress to get up off the couch to let the dog out - JUST when I was starting to calm down from cleaning the kitchen. I know my other three kids and hubby are ready to have mommy back too. 


Those that have more than two babies - well, God bless you! I think I will cry more from relief at the birth of my twins, than from the emotion of it. But I'll keep you posted on that hypothesis!! Love you baby girls - you're worth it, but can you cook a little faster please???